Monday, December 11, 2017

Oh No....Now What??

It is the end of 2017 and  I am entering a new phase as an empty nester. I have to wonder...what happened to the last few years of my life? a few years ago it seemed as though life was moving along quite nicely, I was content and looking forward to the future...that is until something similar to Lemony Snicket seemed to start a series of unfortunate events that left me reeling and seemingly lost.

I am not sure it is even worth re-hashing some of the life altering events that brought me to this spot but they included a job change (that became two), a marriage and subsequent divorce (not mine), the loss of my father (utterly devastating),  the death of my brother (shocking), and me trying desperately to keep it together...I think I failed.

Don't get me wrong, there were many events for us to celebrate during this time.
  •  After a number of losses Tiffani gave birth to Gunner James who fills me with as much delight as his brother Austin, they are lights of my life and can take full credit for keeping me smiling and my heart filled with gratitude. She has been hired on with Fraser Valley Health and starts a full time position in February...I am so grateful for her and how she is able to overcome the number of obstacles thrown her way. 
  • We are preparing to formally add the lovely Corinne to our family in the upcoming year, not only is Jordan marrying the love of his life but is now in Regina fulfilling his dream of becoming an RCMP officer... he makes my heart swell with pride and my eyes a wee bit teary.
  • Joce is also making changes in his life that take tremendous strength and are making him happier and  more content than I have seen him in a very long time... my mommy's heart is overjoyed and proud at his courage. 
  • Mom has found happiness and companionship by moving to Calgary to be closer to family...we miss her but I am glad she is living life to the fullest!
All of these events bring me joy, they remind me that I am indeed more than blessed.

The question that remains is now what?

There are many things I have neglected over the past couple of years (my love of blogging for one), that it is hard to decide where to start my journey. It is odd to think that the house will be quiet and the mess will be is sad to think that I am now really alone (thank goodness for grandchildren and sleepovers!!)...

So for now I write about it, I will remember to pick up a book once a day, I will think of a few unusual things I have always wanted to do, I will decide on my word for 2018 and I will learn to take care of me (such a foreign concept). One of these days I will tell you all about the surgery that almost killed me yet was the catalyst for bringing me back...until then it seems that I have a few decisions to make on how to fill my new nest.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Wall of Sand

This past week I gave up my wall of busyness and succumbed to a wall of sand. A wall that would crumble at the slightest touch...I stopped completely, I burrowed into the sand, afraid to move for fear of it falling in around me. I gave myself a time frame and am both thrilled and horrified that it is now over. The problem is I am simply not sure what to do next.

I am person who values honesty more than anything, you may hurt my feelings for a moment or two but that is ok, just be honest and we can work through it....I hate being surprised more than just about anything and the blindside that began this newest journey eats at me. Had the people involved simply had the courage to tell the truth I think this would be a much different story. But alas, it is too late to change and now I must move on.

When I arrived home last week I opened my bible and here is what I saw on the first page:
Turn to me and have mercy,
for I am alone and in deep distress. Psalm 25:16 (NLT)
And then on the other side of the page:
Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
while I am here in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13 (NLT)

In my sand filled hideaway I read them and hoped, my head knew they were truth but my heart needed time to catch up. Now, a week later I am able to take a breath and move forward, dissect the words given to me and pray I am able to fully embrace them.

I don't often buy into the 'simply open your Bible' method of study but as I look into these verses I have to admit that there is comfort in these seemingly random verses. Now that I have had time to rest it is with a renewed spirit that I look at Psalm 25 which starts with 'To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.' , an expression of trust and faith. As I read the full Psalm I see themes of not only trust but guidance, forgiveness, praise, friendship and the prayer of protection.... Ok, I certainly needed that :)

And then Psalm 27, it is more than a simple expression of confidence, it is also the cultivation of confidence....the confidence I did not feel  am having a hard time feeling. It ends with: "Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!". That is how I choose to start this new week, waiting for God to step in and heal my heart...still somewhat afraid of what is next but moving forward with Him rather than on my own....confident that this stretch of sand dessert is behind me and there is an oasis of beauty before me...confident that I will indeed see the Lord's goodness.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Addicted to Busy

What does one do when they find themselves with a lot of time on their hands? Although it is something I have often thought I may enjoy I also know myself well enough to know that the novelty would wear off very quickly....and it has...

This past week has caught me off guard, turned my world upside down and given me much time to reflect. Typically I love to journal, I love some solitude...but typically it is scheduled. This week there is no schedule and I find myself at odds. I have not had this much time to myself since before the birth of my first child...32 years! We often wonder where the time has gone, I know, it has been spent ensuring that my family is taken care of. Now they are grown, I am older and have this imposed time to reflect and it is much more difficult than I would have thought.

As I try to break it down and allow myself to look upon what is happening I have hit a is a wall that I have carefully constructed, it is the wall that allows me to simply take a deep breath and move forward when bad shit is the wall of busyness that has absorbed the brunt of my failures and disappointments and that wall is gone and I am not sure how to function without it. I am not sure what to do with 'time', I have never fully learned to 'rest'...I no longer have the shelter of busyness to protect my heart and emotions. My first instinct is to quickly rebuild the wall, like a master mason I can find the right bricks and stones, build them up and fill the chinks with small tasks that I enjoy...I can simply rebuild the wall. I know it can be done, I have done it before.

That is my instinct, I am fighting it right now...trying to stay still and see beyond the wall, trying to see what God would have me see, trying to take that shelter in him...but I think he too must be busy. A good friend advised me not to 'miss the opportunity', it is so unnatural to me that it feels more like a being sent to the naughty corner. My head knows this is not truth so I am working at convincing my heart to stay out in the open for a while, to delay building the wall. Today that feels soul crushing rather than life giving, I guess old habits die hard.