Thursday, July 28, 2011


This week is coming to an end...the weather today is absolutely gorgeous, it makes me want to do something but I am quickly discovering that I am not sure what to do with myself. I am very good at keeping myself busy, it is in my dna, downtime is something that is fairly foreign to me. That said, one of my many goals for this next year is to learn how to fill my time with things that I enjoy....Funny, I am learning that I am more of an introvert than I thought, I enjoy things that are often quite solitary. Simply something to make me ponder...hmmmm....

I guess for now I will stick to what I know...books...this week I picked up Lawrence Hill's Book of Negroes. It is a beautifully written story and I look forward to spending some time being engrossed by Aminata and her life. It is no wonder that this is an award winning book, so far it is stunning and haunting at the same time. A bit of trivia...this book is only in Canada by this title, everywhere else it has been published as Someone Knows My Name. Although it is a fiction work, it is inspired by a historical document also called the 'Book of Negroes'...yes, I am a bit geeky and yes, I look forward to spending some time with this book. I will let you know how it goes :)

Saturday, July 23, 2011

♪ ♫ Oh...what a glorious day

This morning I woke up with a bit of pain from an abscess but when I walked into the living room and saw the sunshine I could not help but think of Casting Crowns and the song Glorious Day ♫. I marvel at how often this cd lifts my spirits and look forward to them coming in October!!

Although this past month has opened a Pandora's box , this week I have been blessed...each time I felt down or stressed, God has put a song on my heart or in my head...he has blessed me with the melody of some one else's talent, allowed it to wash over me and soothe some of the unrest that I have been feeling. After all these years of loving God, I am still surprised by how much he cares for me.

Today I will meditate on Psalm 91 and be grateful that I dwell in the shelter of my Lord.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Mighty is the Power of the Cross

I often drive through the mall parking lot on my way home, each time I see the same homeless man under the same tree and I wonder.... some days I wonder if there is some small kindness I could to to help his day along, some days I wonder why he picks the same spot (he has no sign and it is not a place people could stop at but it is under a tree and therefore dry or shady), some days I wonder why he chooses to live that way. Today I wondered what caused this one time small and beautiful baby boys life to take a turn of hopelessness, was it his childhood that caused him pain and dysfunction or poor choices as an adolescent...did he have a family once and loose them or choose to leave them. Whatever the circumstance, today he once again sits alone with a look of sadness on his dirty and weathered face. I wonder what his life would be like if he was able to embrace the power of Christ and the sacrifice he made on the cross.

As I start a journey of my own healing I am grateful that I do not have to have the feeling of hopelessness to contend with. Yes I have some memories I could live without, I have made some choices that were poor and the consequences are often difficult....what I have is the assurance that Jesus does indeed love me and will walk this path with me, that my saviour cares and will be supportive even when I make bad decisions, that He has put some wonderful people in my life to help me along the way...I have HOPE, it comes to me through the power of the cross.

Hope is never a static or passive thing. It is dynamic, active and life sustaining. This is obvious as we spend time in the Word. A biblical hope is not an escape from reality or from problems, far from it but it also doesn’t leave us idle, drifting or just rocking on the front porch. If our hope is based on God's promises, it will put us in a position to make changes. That said, it still may not be easy to summon up hope at times but it is possible and attainable...for this I am again grateful. (Click on picture for the song)
Psalm 62:5 My soul, wait in silence for God only, For my hope is from Him.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Baby steps

Well today I did it...I went to my first session of counselling and feel more ready to let the healing begin. One of the first things is to let this next year be about me, it is going to mean some hard work but now that the decision is made I am up for it. When Grandma B passed this year one of the things I brought home was a garbage bag of Kleenex boxes (the super soft kind) is like she knew I would need alot of them and provided MANY boxes. One of the decisions will be if I should take a 9 month course based on freedom, it is in Surrey but I think it may be worth it.

So my friends, this post is simply to ask those of you who know (&love) me to pray. For now I am off to bed but will keep you up to date without getting into too much detail, if you are curious and want to know all you need do is ask...I will share over a coffee ☺

Monday, July 4, 2011


As I sat home on New Years Eve, I knew this would be a tough year. There were many things that would change and need to be dealt with....I just was not sure how to start the process. It seems as though the process has been started without my permission.

One of the hurdles would be facing Jordan's graduation--check. This is a wonderful milestone for him and I am proud however it means facing the pre-empty nest syndrome. The idea of all my babies grown up means that it is now time to face some of the emotional backlash from my life that I chose to put on the back burner as I concentrated on raising my children. I will NEVER regret putting the kids first but it means that now I need to dig into the past and start some healing of my own, I am not looking forward to the difficult journey that I am about to embark on. A few of the problems have reared their ugly heads a bit before I was completely ready...I know this is life but had hoped to do it my way and in my time...hmmm, problem #1 is obviously control!!

Problem # 2 is that I have to look at some family issues that have spiralled so out of control. I do not even know where to much hurt that I do not know where the healing or forgiving can begin. I thought there may be an opportunity when I received a call from my brother this week but unfortunately it was not meant to be and only served to compound the hurt that is felt by all of us. I will continue to pray about it and hope that there can be healing in the future.

I also need to look with in myself and face some of the hurts and disappointments that stem from a bad I am forced still to stay in after 16 years...there are issues there that have allowed me to harden my heart towards certain emotions and again I am not sure where to start to heal those wounds.

Problem #3 is what to do with what is left of my future...on the bright side there is not too much of it left to plan so I am hoping this will be an easier one to cope with. I have many great friends in my life and I value them all...even so I sometimes feel the loneliness creep in, I need to come up with some hobbies that will keep that at bay :)

I am writing this in a fairly public forum, not to get sympathy (or pity) but to try and hold myself accountable to taking those first steps that seem so overwhelming. Our choices all have consequences that need to be faced eventually and I pray that I have the courage and strength to keep moving forward. The first step is to get into a more regular routine with my counsellor and of course to spend more time with is through Him that I will find the healing I so desire.