Accountability.....

As I sat home on New Years Eve, I knew this would be a tough year. There were many things that would change and need to be dealt with....I just was not sure how to start the process. It seems as though the process has been started without my permission.

One of the hurdles would be facing Jordan's graduation--check. This is a wonderful milestone for him and I am proud however it means facing the pre-empty nest syndrome. The idea of all my babies grown up means that it is now time to face some of the emotional backlash from my life that I chose to put on the back burner as I concentrated on raising my children. I will NEVER regret putting the kids first but it means that now I need to dig into the past and start some healing of my own, I am not looking forward to the difficult journey that I am about to embark on. A few of the problems have reared their ugly heads a bit before I was completely ready...I know this is life but had hoped to do it my way and in my time...hmmm, problem #1 is obviously control!!

Problem # 2 is that I have to look at some family issues that have spiralled so out of control. I do not even know where to start...so much hurt that I do not know where the healing or forgiving can begin. I thought there may be an opportunity when I received a call from my brother this week but unfortunately it was not meant to be and only served to compound the hurt that is felt by all of us. I will continue to pray about it and hope that there can be healing in the future.

I also need to look with in myself and face some of the hurts and disappointments that stem from a bad marriage...one I am forced still to stay in after 16 years...there are issues there that have allowed me to harden my heart towards certain emotions and again I am not sure where to start to heal those wounds.

Problem #3 is what to do with what is left of my future...on the bright side there is not too much of it left to plan so I am hoping this will be an easier one to cope with. I have many great friends in my life and I value them all...even so I sometimes feel the loneliness creep in, I need to come up with some hobbies that will keep that at bay :)

I am writing this in a fairly public forum, not to get sympathy (or pity) but to try and hold myself accountable to taking those first steps that seem so overwhelming. Our choices all have consequences that need to be faced eventually and I pray that I have the courage and strength to keep moving forward. The first step is to get into a more regular routine with my counsellor and of course to spend more time with God...it is through Him that I will find the healing I so desire.