Wednesday, September 28, 2011

How did I get to the meaning of fruit????

So many things to write about....the problem is to come up with a concise way of putting it to paper (or screen). I have instead simply stayed away from my computer and not written at all. I feel bad about that as I have learned that writing something I enjoy and learn here goes =)

The past couple of weeks have been busy as usual. Each week I am going into Surrey weekly for a class  but the best part is my 'grandma date day' with Austin. It has been so much fun to pick him up from daycare, watch his face light up as he runs to hug me, then proceeds to convince me to play with him and his friends. This week I was greeted by him..and Pria...and Kendra...and Maddie...each week it seems as though I make a new little friend who needs to say hello and give me a hug. I am the master sand castle builder and I now have a reputation among these smiling 4 year old never takes much to convince me to spend an additional 15 or 20 min helping to build a city in the sand :) Once that ritual is over, Austin and I head off for a few hours of bonding time, dinner, stories and I love it!! I share this story because I want my friends to know that there is much good in my life...even in the midst of this difficult season of life, there is much joy!

That said, I am having a hard time posting about some of the important developments in my life. In order to share some of what has been on my mind, and in my life, I must give background....and at this time background is not appropriate on a public forum.....suffice it to say that I humbled by the lives of others and the struggles they face. So much hurt in the world. As I write this I look forward to healing, for myself and others....more grateful than ever that I have the hope of Jesus and His promises.

And with that I shall segue into another story....this weekend I cleared off the patio, we get all day sun and some of my beloved plants have had a difficult time surviving the heat of summer....with no background required,  I am struck by the tenacity of my cherry tomato plant. It is wilted and quite sad looking yet the fruit does not seem to stop coming...the past few weeks I have been surprised to pick a small bowl of sweet little tomatoes each day. My life is much like that plant. I thirst, I wilt, I wonder if I will survive yet with a bit of tending I am still able to bear fruit.

Did you know that the word 'fruit' appears over 200 times in the English translation of the Bible?? This got me to wondering what kind of things did it represent over 200 times? There are of course 3 main meanings-fruit as in a general food group, fruit providing imagery for abundance and the metaphoric extension or the result of an in Creation is the fruit of God's work!! Guess who is going to go and do a bit of research on 'fruit'....yup, that would be me!!

Friday, September 2, 2011

Split personality

This past week has been one of relaxation and reflection...I have stayed up all night, slept in late, read, spent time with friends, read some more...for the first time in years I have had no schedule, no agenda and no responsibility to anyone but me. It has been very good for me!

It is during this down time that I have realized something that will be vital my process of healing ...I have a split personality!! I grew up in a different world than I have chosen to spend the bulk of my adult life. During my marriage, I lived 2 lives and it was exhausting so I took a deep breath, chose God and moved into my new chosen lifestyle...a choice I will never regret!

This year however, as I delve into my Pandora's box the many influences and incidents that moulded me as a child, I find that I have regressed back to some of those old and 'comfortable' habits. I am surprised...and I am not. The old coping mechanisms have crept back in without me being overly aware of them, it sometimes feels easier.

The problem with that is two fold: I don't want to revert and I don't want to take the easy route.

Understand, not all of the old habits are not taking over, God has freed me of many of them...the problem is I have have taken some of them back. I find myself being more critical, using strong expletives to express frustration, building walls that are not meant to be penetrated...strike out first and protect yourself, this is a skill I learned at a young age and it worked well for me then. I know this is not the answer and yet when I feel the pain, it is is much easier than letting others share that pain, it is easier than allowing people to see me weakened by it, it is certainly easier than actually allowing myself to fully feel it again....and it is unhealthy.

The good part of this is that with that realization, I also feel closer to God than I have in awhile. I feel Him showing me that these old 'skills' do not bring me comfort, He does. I feel Him allowing me to see Him in the small things that bring me joy. I feel Him reminding me that I am loved by Him (and others). I feel Him leading me to a path of healing and calming the fears that have jumped out to ambush me of late.

As I write this, the temptation is to hit delete...I will not. I instead will pray that I do not allow the enemy to continue with his lies, that I would not believe those lies when he persists. I pray that perhaps someone reading this will find comfort that they are not alone during the times that try us, that it will be a testament to a loving God who does not forsake us but continues to transform us.

The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. 
John 10:10 NLT