Split personality

This past week has been one of relaxation and reflection...I have stayed up all night, slept in late, read, spent time with friends, read some more...for the first time in years I have had no schedule, no agenda and no responsibility to anyone but me. It has been very good for me!

It is during this down time that I have realized something that will be vital my process of healing ...I have a split personality!! I grew up in a different world than I have chosen to spend the bulk of my adult life. During my marriage, I lived 2 lives and it was exhausting so I took a deep breath, chose God and moved into my new chosen lifestyle...a choice I will never regret!

This year however, as I delve into my Pandora's box the many influences and incidents that moulded me as a child, I find that I have regressed back to some of those old and 'comfortable' habits. I am surprised...and I am not. The old coping mechanisms have crept back in without me being overly aware of them, it sometimes feels easier.

The problem with that is two fold: I don't want to revert and I don't want to take the easy route.

Understand, not all of the old habits are not taking over, God has freed me of many of them...the problem is I have have taken some of them back. I find myself being more critical, using strong expletives to express frustration, building walls that are not meant to be penetrated...strike out first and protect yourself, this is a skill I learned at a young age and it worked well for me then. I know this is not the answer and yet when I feel the pain, it is easier...it is much easier than letting others share that pain, it is easier than allowing people to see me weakened by it, it is certainly easier than actually allowing myself to fully feel it again....and it is unhealthy.

The good part of this is that with that realization, I also feel closer to God than I have in awhile. I feel Him showing me that these old 'skills' do not bring me comfort, He does. I feel Him allowing me to see Him in the small things that bring me joy. I feel Him reminding me that I am loved by Him (and others). I feel Him leading me to a path of healing and calming the fears that have jumped out to ambush me of late.

As I write this, the temptation is to hit delete...I will not. I instead will pray that I do not allow the enemy to continue with his lies, that I would not believe those lies when he persists. I pray that perhaps someone reading this will find comfort that they are not alone during the times that try us, that it will be a testament to a loving God who does not forsake us but continues to transform us.

The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. 
John 10:10 NLT