Clapton....need I say more?

Last night, we watched a legend....Slowfingers, an ironic nickname to be sure, was amazing and we could not help but be transfixed!! If you know me, you know that I love Eric Clapton, and my son borders on worshipping him so the almost front row seats that we occupied made the night one we will not forget! His music is so sharp and crisp....I have seen a lot of shows in my day but none of them compare to Clapton, his old rug, incredibly talented 4 piece band and 2 backup singers! He is so good that he does not need all the fan fare of some of the other concerts I have been to....he is still the best show ever!! At the end of March he will be 67 years old and there is no way you could tell that by his performance...*sigh*...

Well I could go on about him forever...but I won't....I want to do a quick update on my Makeover Challenge before we head out to Surrey for the day. Finally this week I lost a bit of weight...after a month of working out and watching what I was eating I had a bit of a breakthrough. As you know the first 3 weeks were frustrating me, this week I lost 2.6 pounds and 7.5 inches!! I did not think I would be so excited by a couple of pounds but the inches somehow made is seem like more of an accomplishment. I am committed to a lifestyle change and will work at hopefully loosing some more weight!!

Now it is off to Surrey to finish Jordans tattoo...can't wait to see it done!! Have a good weekend everyone!!!

Finally went on a cruise...

Well not a real cruise but the emotion of almost dying was pretty intense....guess I should start at the beginning. As you all know (well both of you), I am involved in a Make Over Challenge and spent this weekend at a seminar with 19 of my new friends.

First let me share my some frustration about this challenge. I have been at the gym 5 days a week for the last 3 weeks and have lost .6 of a pound...I do not know why this is but it sucks! Some of the other girls are at 20 pounds...some not much more than I but I very quickly discovered that this is not all about the weight. I feel GREAT! I am eating well, taking supplements and trying to pay attention to more sleep and my stress levels. I must admit that I have more energy (which is a good thing with my schedule), I can walk up stairs without sounding like 'Puff the Magic Dragon', I only wear my knee brace for half a day (due to stronger muscles) and I have lost a total of 4 inches! I guess it is not all frustrating huh!!

The surprise of the weekend was this soul searching seminar. Now I have done some of this type of thing before, I have helped lead them and seen the reaction and tears that follow yet I was surprised! We spent a lot of time looking at our past, our disappointments and our hurts...I thought I had dealt with most of them but was caught off guard by some of the emotions that surfaced through this exercise. Although I am not sure I even want to print this, it may prove helpful. I am still angry at the many hardships of my life (even though some of them are of my own making), I am still hurt by some of the incidents in my childhood (I cant go farther than that yet) and I am super pissed at Gary, I am angry that I live financially insecure, that I am alone and that he will not sign the papers to give me closure.....these are all things I knew, things I have spent time working on. The shocker for me, what surprised me the most was my lack of confidence!! Yup I said it, I am not very confident in any of my abilities, in fact I am not sure I even have any. Oh I know I do certain things well but I feel I have no real talent, there is not really anything that I am gifted in, not particularly smart...I am just an unexciting common person. We were trying to write a personal mission statement and it was very difficult for me to do. Funny how our perceptions about ourselves affect our everyday thinking. I am not sure what to do about it at this point but I know I have to address it, pray about it and come up with a way to change it.

I am off to the gym now so I cant get into it more than that....but I will, and I hope that you will not be bored by my newest journey. I guess I will have to tell you about the cruise another day, but it was on this make believe cruise with 4 new friends that I discovered something quite disturbing about myself....it was also because of these new friends that I intend to do something about it!!!

The past 10 days...

10 days have passed, 10 days of working out and eating right...10 days of looking for a house to move to...10 days of having no luck in any of these things...10 days of wondering....

Lets start with the 'new' lifestyle...I have been working out 5 days a week, watching what I eat and taking my vitamins...so far I have not noticed a change, gained a few pounds actually, now that my friends is a bit of a kick in the pants...I will admit to a bit of disappointment however I am still committed to continuing on this journey. I do think that I am feeling better although the stress of the last few months has made it difficult to notice.

The other hard part is the realization that we are going to have to move into a small place that is probably situated in a neighborhood that I am not thrilled with. This is a very hard thing for me to deal with...I am surprised by the feelings that I am having...not quite ready to downsize and it makes it apparent that the dream is definitely gone. I now that it is stupid but I am finding that I am grieving the loss of being comfortable in my old age, you know the one...sitting with the one you love on the porch waiting for the grandkids to arrive and bake cookies...a little house with the mortgage almost paid off and the occasional trip to someplace tropical in the winter...and for the record it makes me mad!

Now please don't get me wrong, I love most things about my life....I could live without the financial hardship but I love my kids and adore my handsome grandson!! I am fortunate enough to also have an adopted granddaughter who is cute as can be. I have a job I love (albeit a bit stressful these days) and some of the most amazing friends anyone could have....I still sometimes long for a life that is not quite so difficult.

So as hard as some of it is, as much as some days throwing in the towel seems like a good plan I intend to go on with the new lifestyle, I plan to look for a home that Jordan & I can be comfortable in and I plan to continue to trust that God will provide..

He that endureth to the end shall be saved.
--Matthew 10:22

....so I shall endure =)

Feeling a bit down today...

So if I am journaling my journey, then I guess I need to take the good with the bad...this week has been hard. First I am very emotional and although I am eating properly and taking all the recommended vitamins I am still feeling a bit more blue than normal. At the weigh in I had lost a whole whopping ounce...that totally sucks as I have jewellery that weighs more than that!! I then realized I had been driving without insurance...unbelievable I know, cannot fathom how I managed to forget that. Surprise!! I needed air care too so that means that I had to pick up a permit before I could even get new insurance. After that was all cleared up, I was thrilled to find a letter from my landlord...lets just say it is not good and if you know a place to live I happen to know someone who is looking (unfortunately she cannot afford much).

So much stress and I do not know how to eliveate it....I am a very tired lady, tired of making decisions, tired of paying bills, tired of not being able to pay bills, tired of stress and tired of not being able to make my life work. It sucks and I feel very done.

OK now that the rant is over, I know that I will be fine...I do not enjoy being a needy wimp and God has never let me down. I am very fortunate to have wonderful friends, one of whom reminded me tonight that Jesus is my best friend and He already has a plan. I am grateful for that assurance, I will go to bed, try to sleep and wake up tomorrow to come up with a plan.

God is more than big enough to handle my little life....

It has begun!!

Well the challenge has begun! This means a few lifestyle changes that I may or may not be ready to deal with however for better or worse I am in...I am being measured, weighed, monitored and kept accountable. I am not finding some of the changes easy however I will continue to do what I need to in hopes of regaining some health. The hardest part right now is eating breakfast...well drinking it actually, I have been doing the protein thing in the morning since food that early often makes me feel sick. I am also on a 5 day a week exercise program...my body is somewhat protesting =)

Upon looking a some 'biofeedback' it has been noted that my thyroid is in distress, protein absorption is low and vitamin B level is almost non existant...hmmm...could this be from the inordinate amounts of stress my life holds...yes, yes I think it could be. The question is what to do about these deficientcies....the first thing is rest, eat well and do the stinkin' exercise...yes I am a bit bitter, the exercise makes me sweat!! Oh well it will all be worth it if I can start to feel better and have a higher energy level...guess it is time to see where this journey will take me.