Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Finally went on a cruise...


Well not a real cruise but the emotion of almost dying was pretty intense....guess I should start at the beginning. As you all know (well both of you), I am involved in a Make Over Challenge and spent this weekend at a seminar with 19 of my new friends.

First let me share my some frustration about this challenge. I have been at the gym 5 days a week for the last 3 weeks and have lost .6 of a pound...I do not know why this is but it sucks! Some of the other girls are at 20 pounds...some not much more than I but I very quickly discovered that this is not all about the weight. I feel GREAT! I am eating well, taking supplements and trying to pay attention to more sleep and my stress levels. I must admit that I have more energy (which is a good thing with my schedule), I can walk up stairs without sounding like 'Puff the Magic Dragon', I only wear my knee brace for half a day (due to stronger muscles) and I have lost a total of 4 inches! I guess it is not all frustrating huh!!

The surprise of the weekend was this soul searching seminar. Now I have done some of this type of thing before, I have helped lead them and seen the reaction and tears that follow yet I was surprised! We spent a lot of time looking at our past, our disappointments and our hurts...I thought I had dealt with most of them but was caught off guard by some of the emotions that surfaced through this exercise. Although I am not sure I even want to print this, it may prove helpful. I am still angry at the many hardships of my life (even though some of them are of my own making), I am still hurt by some of the incidents in my childhood (I cant go farther than that yet) and I am super pissed at Gary, I am angry that I live financially insecure, that I am alone and that he will not sign the papers to give me closure.....these are all things I knew, things I have spent time working on. The shocker for me, what surprised me the most was my lack of confidence!! Yup I said it, I am not very confident in any of my abilities, in fact I am not sure I even have any. Oh I know I do certain things well but I feel I have no real talent, there is not really anything that I am gifted in, not particularly smart...I am just an unexciting common person. We were trying to write a personal mission statement and it was very difficult for me to do. Funny how our perceptions about ourselves affect our everyday thinking. I am not sure what to do about it at this point but I know I have to address it, pray about it and come up with a way to change it.

I am off to the gym now so I cant get into it more than that....but I will, and I hope that you will not be bored by my newest journey. I guess I will have to tell you about the cruise another day, but it was on this make believe cruise with 4 new friends that I discovered something quite disturbing about myself....it was also because of these new friends that I intend to do something about it!!!

4 comments:

  1. oh my goodness, you are SO talented! you're amazing with kids (sunday school, etc)...they all adore you (from babies to adults like me!). You're a great event planner. Awesome at administrative work (your job!). You're super thoughtful, loving, kind, generous and warm! Okay so those are more personality traits. But seriously, you rock in every way!! Love you.

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  2. Wow....thanks my friend, I am not even sure what to say but the tear in my eye says 'I love you too!'

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  3. I agree with everything that Kimberley wrote. You ARE an amazing woman and friend. I'm extremely grateful to God for bringing you into my life when He did. You are REAL... and I can't say that about most of my friends. You are an inspiration to me in so many ways!

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  4. Ditto to both comments above...you are an inspiration to so many people, me being one of them. I am so blessed to have you as my neighbour... and not just to bail me out when I need help! You're a great friend. Thanks,

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