OOPS!!

Today I have some time to myself so it seemed only right to catch up on some blogs and write a new one....imagine my surprise when I saw the date of the last one was Nov...I know I had written a couple of posts after that...I had and there they were sitting in the drafts. Who takes the time to blog and does not hit 'post'?? Apparently I do!!

As I read them I see why, they were painful and raw, guess I thought I would clean them up a bit before the 'I am forever in cyberspace' moment...reading them in the original form has been God's gift to me today as He shows me the journey of healing is indeed here. One of the posts started like this:

The year 2011 has come with many ups & downs...with wonderful moments and sad moments, with both firsts and lasts. As I prepare for Christmas Eve I feel the extreme loss of my best friend, the sadness of my nephews passing much too young and hurt over the number of youth who have tragically left families & friends alone to mourn...the heaviness of it weighs on me.

I was aware that last Christmas would be the last one we shared with Della, lovingly known as Grandma B but I was not prepared for emptiness I would feel as I spent the first one without her in 36 years...she was a treasure and I miss her today, I miss her smile and her prayers and her love.

Today it is 2012 and somehow the world seems brighter, the sadness is still there but the hope is far stronger. Yes, I miss the people who are gone...but I would not had I not been blessed with them to begin with and for that I am grateful!!

This past year I have discovered some wonderful things, I have been blessed with 'truth'...the truth of who I am and who God sees me to be. The years have brought many lies and recently I had somehow lost my confidence, my resolve to cope. The problem was that I started to believe the lies which started a spiral of emotions I was not prepared for and did not want to deal with...it was easier to shut down and simply exist, making it through each day. That was a hard realization for me as I am not a quitter, fortunately the past couple of months have shown me a number of things. I did not quit, I was broken and too tired to continue the constant battle. I needed rest, both physically and spiritually. God has been ever faithful and granted me both of these needs. 

Over Christmas I took some time off, with a hundred plans I was ready to go...instead I spent a week at home doing NOTHING!! I slept, I read, I prayed and slept some more, for a moment or two I berated myself for being lazy...God confirmed I simply needed rest, so I rested...and as I rested was able to see the lies more clearly. The danger of a lie is the half truth that hides behind it. I am not sure how to concisely convey this realization in a blog post but as I wrote down the many lies that God was gracious enough to uncover I saw the little truths..

~you are fat & ugly--yes, I am overweight 

~you are lazy--yes, sometimes I have to stop what I am doing and rest

~you are unlovable--yes, some people do not love me, MANY do!

These of course are the big ones, there are many more subtle ones, the problem is when we mix the large lie with a bit of truth, it then becomes just 'authentic' enough for us to buy into it...and satan has another small victory. I will no longer allow the lies to overshadow the truth!!

I digress...not sure how I got here from oops **shrug** I guess it is important so I will hit 'publish' and look forward to 2012 being my year of truth ♥