You'll never leave....

I have spent a lot of time soul searching lately. What exactly is it that I want out of the life I have left (no, I am not dying).What will bring me happiness (other than my babies which bring me copious amounts of joy).

With so many changes over the past 4 years I have no longer been sure of what I want or who I am. . . it sounds so cliche that it bothers me and yet it is the best explanation I have.

I have spent much time searching so many different directions that I am afraid I have been unable to actually accomplish any of them.

So with that here is what I have decided and need to work toward over the next few months.

1. Health- It is painfully obvious that I need to pay better attention to my eating habits and exercise. I would rather have energy and feel attractive than sluggish and icky.
   
2. Mental- Apparently I have never been good at self care and often feel as though this is a selfish act but need to spend some time doing things for me. I would rather be immersed a life of gratitude and happiness than one of grumbling.
   
3. Spiritual- Although I have started going to church again and know that I am blessed it is obvious that I need to spend more time in study. I would rather live feeling the depth of God's love than wondering if I am loved at all.
   
4. Home- As my nest empties I must find the style that makes me comfortable and brings me joy. I would rather come home and smile with a feeling of lightness than feel overwhelmed by clutter.

So, it is time to leave my unhealthy habits, to embrace new activity, to spend time in study and come home to a space that provides me joy. I am finally finding the places that I would rather be !!

What to eat...or not to eat?

Last year, on Aug 30, I had the unfortunate experience a spontaneous splenic rupture which is a rare, dramatic and potentially life-threatening condition. No one knows why it happened that day, there was no previous trauma and the pathology report showed no sign of infection, anemia or  other ailments. The doctor had never seen it before (did not instill confidence btw), there was no reason and yet it happened. 

First of all it was the most painful and disconcerting thing that had ever happened to me. Since there were no obvious signs of anything wrong the paramedic originally thought I had gas...yes GAS! Three children born with out any drugs and he thought I called an ambulance for gas. (Had it not been life threatening in the end, it may be a funny story...perhaps one day). After hours of internal bleeding and slowly loosing my ability to function, a CT scan showed the doctors what the problem was and I was rushed into emergency surgery. During the operation they cut me open (obviously), rearranged many of my organs, gave me 8 units of blood and finally got to offending spleen and removed it.

Now I tell this story because it caused me to do some reassessing and without a spleen there is a higher chance of infections so becoming healthy is a priority that I have slowly been working on. It has taken many more months to recover than what I had thought but here I am ready to start doing more. I have started walking again and that has helped but what about my diet?? I love healthy food but living alone has caused some unhealthy habits to form....toast and cheese has become an easy meal. While there is not a specific diet tailored for people with asplenia it is important to take steps to improve your immune system and reduce the risk of infection. This means cutting back on red meat and high fats....so good bye to Keto. It means more vegetables and grains, antioxidants and anti inflammatory foods. Well with grains then the good ole Paleo is also out. Weight Watchers? No

What is one to do?? 

First, I do NOT want to diet. . . .not as a verb anyway. I want a healthy diet. . . .as in a noun.

diet (n.)

  1. the kinds of food that a person, animal, or community habitually eats.

"a vegetarian diet"

 A few years ago (before my 4 years of horror) I had started eating a clean, well balanced diet....little to no flour or sugar and processed foods....I felt great!! Time to start shopping at the market, cooking and making salad dressings. Time to bring out my kitchen gadgets and cookbooks and looking at food as nutrition and fuel rather than filler.

Success or defeat....

Where do the days go??

 It has been months since my last post and I am afraid that in many ways I must admit defeat in my effort to restore. . . yet, in some ways I have succeeded.
... I have managed to read much more than I had been and to date have completed 18 of the books on my list and a few that weren't.
....I have gotten my blood pressure to a normal and healthy level.
....I have gotten my apnea tested and seem to have found a solution to my lack of sleep, for now I am getting 4-6 solid hours a night and feel much better.

Although I have not lost weight, solved my car issue or figured out how to live as an empty nester each day dawns, each day ends and I am still standing.

I have come to the realization that the last 5 years came and hit me so hard that some days I wondered if I would ever recover.  Last week sat and wrote a list of the many things that had happened, changed and hurt over the past years, seeing it made me realize that although I have felt defeated I am not. 

I am still standing!

During the years of craziness assumed I was coping well, being strong but I have come to understand that my 'coping' did not allow me to grieve, although it was certainly God holding me up (again), it did not allow me to rest in Him and let Him be my stronghold.

So, for the very first time in years I will wait quietly, I will accept my victory, I will spend time in my fortress and I will NOT be shaken!

Improvements Pending

Well three weeks into 2018..... I am working on implementing my word of the year into each new activity and trying to ensure a positive outcome.

For the last three weeks I have worked on a new schedule designed to restore my health....
-I am waking up earlier in order to start my day with a nutritious breakfast (for the record, I hate eating before 11:00am) , after years of hate I have finally formed a truce with oatmeal and we are getting along quite well!
-Lunches and dinners have less carbs and I am trying to watch the sodium levels in honor of my high blood pressure.
-I have committed to going to the pool, walking and light yoga and a monthly massage to try and loosen some of the muscles that have atrophied due to neglect over the last few years.
-I am reading my list in order to both engage my mind and enjoy simple pleasures

In order to accomplish this I have started a food journal, pre-paid for days at the pool, combed the internet for new recipes, purchased a few of the books on my 2018 reading list and brought in a new reading chair (thanks Barb)!!

I am feeling good despite a 5 pound weight gain.....I mean seriously!!! Even so, I will continue toward restoration. Biblically restoration is to receive back more than has been lost to the point where the final state is greater than the original condition. The main point is that someone or something is improved beyond measure...and slowly I am being restored!

Resolution? Maybe, maybe not.....

Each year my resolution list remains empty...it is not that I do not want to make changes, it simply feels like I am setting myself up for failure by stating I WILL or WON'T engage in areas that have posed a problem the previous year....and i do not like to fail so I simply don't make them.

 A number of years ago I instead started picking a word, something to help me remain fixed on the areas I felt needed to be changed up a bit.... Balance reminded me to guard my time and use it wisely, Nurture reminded me that relationships needed to be fostered in order to be healthy and grow, Focus reminded me to concentrate on one thing at a time and not to spread myself too thin...these are just a couple but you get the idea.

Each year I write down word after word looking for the one that inspires me to make changes with simple clarity. I look up the definitions until one resonates, a singular focus on which to put my effort into for the upcoming year. I look for one that can have impact on all areas of my life - mental, physical, emotional, relational, spiritual, and financial..sometimes the word is obvious and others it requires a lot of effort to find just the right one.

This year as I searched the same word kept coming up but it did not seem to have the definition I yearned for.....yet there it was.....

re·store [rəˈstôr] verb
1) bring back (a previous right, practice, custom, or situation); reinstate:
2) return (someone or something) to a former condition, place, or position:
3) repair or renovate (a building, work of art, vehicle, etc.) so as to return it to its original condition:
4) give (something previously stolen, taken away, or lost) back to the original owner or recipient:

 

I pondered this word and wondered why it was the one I kept going back to, it was not quite what I was looking for and yet it was the word that appeared over and over (I have learned that sometimes I do not get to pick my word, it picks me). As I gave it more thought I realized that for me restoration means to bring something back to its original beauty while celebrating  the flaws and the scars. . . and I have many flaws and scars.

I realized  that my past gives me character, empathy and helps define who I am, I do not want a new me, I want a restored me. . . I want to restore my ability to have fun, I want to restore my health, I want to restore my faith, I want to restore my confidence. . . I want to polish and restore myself, I want to come out feeling beautiful & restored.

As I move forward in 2018 I am looking to find some of myself that has been lost during the many tough years. . . I will work on restoration.

2018....What to Do First?!?

2018 is here and it is time to make some decisions about how I will tackle the changes that are immentent with the arrival of my actual empty nest. Jordan is now in Regina for 6 months so other than weekends when the grandkids come I am living in a nest that is all mine....such an odd feeling to have a clean house stay clean!

So although I have chosen my word of the year and have a few ideas of how to keep busy, I have decided to start the blogging year with a project that is near and dear to me.

For many years I worked as a book buyer and LOVE to read. My first hardcover novel came from my grandparents for my sixth birthday....it still sits on my dresser as a reminder of the love they instilled in me. Most of my life escaping into the intricate plot of a book has brought me extreme pleasure; meeting richly developed characters has been like making new friends; I was able to travel the world without ever leaving the comfort of home.....and then my life seemed to fall apart I did not have the time, energy or desire to pick up a book. I tried on more than one occasion to pick up something but didn't seem to have the ability to concentrate long enough and what used to take a couple of days seemed to take a couple of months....and I missed the adventures.

So I decided that in 2018 I would embark on an intentional reading list and this past December started doing some searching for top books of the past year, I asked for recommendations and I scoured book sites to find some titles that intriqued me. I found more than a few. Originally I thought that 24 titles would be a good start....but once I started I could not stop....I now have 46 titles on my list that I want to read by the end of the year. I am excited at the prospect of picking up a book each evening (in my clean home) wrapped under my new plush blanket drinking my yummy loose leaf herbal tea...this is the year that I start to come back to myself and fill my time with things that bring me joy! Maybe I will even search for a new comfy chair to read in. Stay tuned to see what other changes will start to take place in 2018

PS/ The Bear and the Nightingale by Katherine Arden won the first book of the year and so far it is fantastic!!