A change of pace!

There was a time when late nights were the norm, pots of coffee and studying while trying to raise 3 children became a thing that was so normal!

As I have struggled to reevaluate and move out of a place of weariness I have decided to revamp many of my daily practices....my home has been revamped, my desk cleaned, my eating habits and schedules changed. One of the things I am changing is this blog....instead of late night musings I shall now spend my mornings in a state of pondering .

Feel free to join me there: 

https://earlymorningpondering.blogspot.com/

Thank you for joining me on this journey called life.

Without Sadness

For some reason I am feeling sad the past few weeks. . . it is actually kind of silly since there are SO many good things going on in the lives of my kids and extended family, even many of my friends are having exciting things happen in their worlds.

Most of us do not see sadness as a gift, it is my hope that with some effort I can see it as just that. . .  a gift, one that I can embrace rather than seeing it as something horrific that needs to be avoided? It is important to note that my 'sadness' is not a feeling of being unhappy but more of a melancholy. . . . the distinction is important. Although it is true that we are no good when our sadness engulfs us I think there is also value in it, by facing the sadness we curb the urge to run away (or at least I hope we do).

I trust that my sadness will give me the opportunity to grow. Growth often happens in quiet moments of reflection so over the next few weeks I will practice the following exercises:

Meditation: I have been introduced to restorative yoga as of late. The quiet calm it allows me has become a vital part of my daily routine for which I am very grateful. 

Gratitude: It seems a gratitude journal is once again a practice that I need to start...3 things a day can certainly help counter any doom and gloom and remind me of the fantastic parts of my life. 

Retrain the Mind: Come up with a word or phrase that can be like a mental stop sign. It is my hope that it will the negative and direct my attention to the positive and productive things in my day. 

Practice Self Compassion:  Give myself the same kindness and care I would give  a good friend. . . . for some reason this one is hard for me. 

Connect with Friends: It is time to reach out to the people who bring a feeling of safety and happiness to my world and get out of the house more often. 

Find a Project: This includes both at home and something that is bigger, a volunteer position that makes me smile and gives a sense of purpose. (First project at home has already started!)

So now the time has come to learn from the sadness....

 and change it to happiness!

I am flawed!

This is something I realize more and more each day. . .I am flawed! FYI, this will come as absolutely NO surprise to those around me.

The problem is not with my flaws but with the way that I have spent the last few years perceiving them. I understand this but for some reason have been unable to shake the feeling of being damaged the last couple of years. So I have been looked for a way to change the way I think (and being flawed I have failed for the time being ).

Then a friend called and asked if I wanted to read a book with her. I said yes very quickly without actually looking at the subject manner. . .that will teach me!!

Girl, Wash Your Face: Stop Believing the Lies About Who You Are So You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be is a best-selling book by Rachel Hollis and is described as mixing up a "memoir, motivational tips, Bible quotations and common-sense girl talk." 

Perhaps looking at the lies I tell myself will help me to rediscover that the flaws I have are simply slight imperfections that make me who I am...unique, maybe even a bit special.

Here is to seeing if I can change my perception to beautifully flawed rather than irreparably damaged!

I sure hope so, I hope that is is one of the steps that will lead to me being able to engage in my year of delight!!

No such thing as too many books!

Once upon a time, a long time ago my grandmother gifted me with my first chapter book, the rest is history.I fell in love and became a veracious reader. . . I always had a book in my possession. As I grew older I had one in my purse, one or two beside my bed and  one in the car in case I had to wait for the kids somewhere. There was nothing more satisfying that getting lost between the pages! I am not sure exactly when that waned but after some tragic life events I began to find it hard to concentrate on the page in front of me. The characters no longer called me as strongly as they once had,  my eyes began to fail making reading much less pleasurable and slowly the books took longer to read and began to stay on the shelf. 

Though I did not read as much as I once had I still garnered great pleasure finding what books where on the best read list or in a trip to a book store and my collection continued to grow...I am of the mind that you can never have too many books so my collection did not dwindle. Unfortunately the books started to pile and I knew it was time for me to take action!

I have a special book shelf for unread books and realized recently (much to my horror) that it is now two special book shelves. Obviously this problem needed to be resolved as quickly as possible! I am not sure how most people would approach such a dilemma but I hit it head on. . . first I rearranged my shelves to accommodate all the unread material (starting with the ones I want to read the most of course), I then assessed how many new book shelves would be required to house the books that would be staying ( I do actually cull them once a year and send many back to the used book store) and then I started adding reading to my daily schedule again. How delightful it was to become lost in a far away land or empathize for someone who had lived through wartime tragedies. . . my passion was being reignited one page at a time!

When my last baby left home I formulated a plan to turn switch up the bedrooms and turn the larger master into a new library. . . I have ALWAYS wanted a library and it seemed to be the right time to make this a reality. Oh, it would not be the grand library of my childhood day dreams, there would be no murals on the ceilings, no rolling ladders to reach the top shelves, it would not be filled with ancient treasures and hand painted globes but it would be my refuge.

Who knew that 'According to Jennings', a book about a young boy going to preparatory school in England would instill such a love of literature, it would be where my daydreams began and continued to grow, it would be the start of wanting to create a library of my very own. Now, many years later I shall make it a reality. . . I look forward to having a place where wonder and imagination rule.

The Year is 2019 and I choose...

The year has started, 2019 has arrived. There was a time when that felt so very far away however I have discovered that time keeps moving (sometimes quickly) and before you know it the year I thought was only in science fiction movies is right in front of me.

For the record, the past few years have been difficult! Don't get me wrong, they were infused with many wonderful moments and milestones but also shadowed by darkness and loss. . . that time is now over! As I start this new year I know that I am extremely blessed and I  choose to live each new day infused by delight!

Yesterday I was delighted to start a new blanket for my beloved son and his new bride, today it is the ability to enjoy a fresh salad with homemade dressing, tomorrow it is coffee with a friend. . . each day is filled with moments and it is up to me to choose how to react to them. I choose delight!

I wanted to have the word in Hebrew as a reminder so I asked the best scholar I know to translate a version I had found on-line, he was kind enough to send the following reply:

תענוג "Delight, pleasure. The notion of making the guts soft. That 'full but not stuffed' or that happy buzz from a glass of wine with an old friend... all the wonder and comfort without the dread of a negative coming."

and it is perfect, it is exactly what I want from this year, a type of Danish hygee that will surround me and my loved ones. . . an appreciation for the small things in life that bring me pleasure. . . and if I am lucky perhaps I can delight my loved ones in return  💜

You'll never leave....

I have spent a lot of time soul searching lately. What exactly is it that I want out of the life I have left (no, I am not dying).What will bring me happiness (other than my babies which bring me copious amounts of joy).

With so many changes over the past 4 years I have no longer been sure of what I want or who I am. . . it sounds so cliche that it bothers me and yet it is the best explanation I have.

I have spent much time searching so many different directions that I am afraid I have been unable to actually accomplish any of them.

So with that here is what I have decided and need to work toward over the next few months.

1. Health- It is painfully obvious that I need to pay better attention to my eating habits and exercise. I would rather have energy and feel attractive than sluggish and icky.
   
2. Mental- Apparently I have never been good at self care and often feel as though this is a selfish act but need to spend some time doing things for me. I would rather be immersed a life of gratitude and happiness than one of grumbling.
   
3. Spiritual- Although I have started going to church again and know that I am blessed it is obvious that I need to spend more time in study. I would rather live feeling the depth of God's love than wondering if I am loved at all.
   
4. Home- As my nest empties I must find the style that makes me comfortable and brings me joy. I would rather come home and smile with a feeling of lightness than feel overwhelmed by clutter.

So, it is time to leave my unhealthy habits, to embrace new activity, to spend time in study and come home to a space that provides me joy. I am finally finding the places that I would rather be !!

What to eat...or not to eat?

Last year, on Aug 30, I had the unfortunate experience a spontaneous splenic rupture which is a rare, dramatic and potentially life-threatening condition. No one knows why it happened that day, there was no previous trauma and the pathology report showed no sign of infection, anemia or  other ailments. The doctor had never seen it before (did not instill confidence btw), there was no reason and yet it happened. 

First of all it was the most painful and disconcerting thing that had ever happened to me. Since there were no obvious signs of anything wrong the paramedic originally thought I had gas...yes GAS! Three children born with out any drugs and he thought I called an ambulance for gas. (Had it not been life threatening in the end, it may be a funny story...perhaps one day). After hours of internal bleeding and slowly loosing my ability to function, a CT scan showed the doctors what the problem was and I was rushed into emergency surgery. During the operation they cut me open (obviously), rearranged many of my organs, gave me 8 units of blood and finally got to offending spleen and removed it.

Now I tell this story because it caused me to do some reassessing and without a spleen there is a higher chance of infections so becoming healthy is a priority that I have slowly been working on. It has taken many more months to recover than what I had thought but here I am ready to start doing more. I have started walking again and that has helped but what about my diet?? I love healthy food but living alone has caused some unhealthy habits to form....toast and cheese has become an easy meal. While there is not a specific diet tailored for people with asplenia it is important to take steps to improve your immune system and reduce the risk of infection. This means cutting back on red meat and high fats....so good bye to Keto. It means more vegetables and grains, antioxidants and anti inflammatory foods. Well with grains then the good ole Paleo is also out. Weight Watchers? No

What is one to do?? 

First, I do NOT want to diet. . . .not as a verb anyway. I want a healthy diet. . . .as in a noun.

diet (n.)

  1. the kinds of food that a person, animal, or community habitually eats.

"a vegetarian diet"

 A few years ago (before my 4 years of horror) I had started eating a clean, well balanced diet....little to no flour or sugar and processed foods....I felt great!! Time to start shopping at the market, cooking and making salad dressings. Time to bring out my kitchen gadgets and cookbooks and looking at food as nutrition and fuel rather than filler.

Success or defeat....

Where do the days go??

 It has been months since my last post and I am afraid that in many ways I must admit defeat in my effort to restore. . . yet, in some ways I have succeeded.
... I have managed to read much more than I had been and to date have completed 18 of the books on my list and a few that weren't.
....I have gotten my blood pressure to a normal and healthy level.
....I have gotten my apnea tested and seem to have found a solution to my lack of sleep, for now I am getting 4-6 solid hours a night and feel much better.

Although I have not lost weight, solved my car issue or figured out how to live as an empty nester each day dawns, each day ends and I am still standing.

I have come to the realization that the last 5 years came and hit me so hard that some days I wondered if I would ever recover.  Last week sat and wrote a list of the many things that had happened, changed and hurt over the past years, seeing it made me realize that although I have felt defeated I am not. 

I am still standing!

During the years of craziness assumed I was coping well, being strong but I have come to understand that my 'coping' did not allow me to grieve, although it was certainly God holding me up (again), it did not allow me to rest in Him and let Him be my stronghold.

So, for the very first time in years I will wait quietly, I will accept my victory, I will spend time in my fortress and I will NOT be shaken!

Improvements Pending

Well three weeks into 2018..... I am working on implementing my word of the year into each new activity and trying to ensure a positive outcome.

For the last three weeks I have worked on a new schedule designed to restore my health....
-I am waking up earlier in order to start my day with a nutritious breakfast (for the record, I hate eating before 11:00am) , after years of hate I have finally formed a truce with oatmeal and we are getting along quite well!
-Lunches and dinners have less carbs and I am trying to watch the sodium levels in honor of my high blood pressure.
-I have committed to going to the pool, walking and light yoga and a monthly massage to try and loosen some of the muscles that have atrophied due to neglect over the last few years.
-I am reading my list in order to both engage my mind and enjoy simple pleasures

In order to accomplish this I have started a food journal, pre-paid for days at the pool, combed the internet for new recipes, purchased a few of the books on my 2018 reading list and brought in a new reading chair (thanks Barb)!!

I am feeling good despite a 5 pound weight gain.....I mean seriously!!! Even so, I will continue toward restoration. Biblically restoration is to receive back more than has been lost to the point where the final state is greater than the original condition. The main point is that someone or something is improved beyond measure...and slowly I am being restored!

Resolution? Maybe, maybe not.....

Each year my resolution list remains empty...it is not that I do not want to make changes, it simply feels like I am setting myself up for failure by stating I WILL or WON'T engage in areas that have posed a problem the previous year....and i do not like to fail so I simply don't make them.

 A number of years ago I instead started picking a word, something to help me remain fixed on the areas I felt needed to be changed up a bit.... Balance reminded me to guard my time and use it wisely, Nurture reminded me that relationships needed to be fostered in order to be healthy and grow, Focus reminded me to concentrate on one thing at a time and not to spread myself too thin...these are just a couple but you get the idea.

Each year I write down word after word looking for the one that inspires me to make changes with simple clarity. I look up the definitions until one resonates, a singular focus on which to put my effort into for the upcoming year. I look for one that can have impact on all areas of my life - mental, physical, emotional, relational, spiritual, and financial..sometimes the word is obvious and others it requires a lot of effort to find just the right one.

This year as I searched the same word kept coming up but it did not seem to have the definition I yearned for.....yet there it was.....

re·store [rəˈstôr] verb
1) bring back (a previous right, practice, custom, or situation); reinstate:
2) return (someone or something) to a former condition, place, or position:
3) repair or renovate (a building, work of art, vehicle, etc.) so as to return it to its original condition:
4) give (something previously stolen, taken away, or lost) back to the original owner or recipient:

 

I pondered this word and wondered why it was the one I kept going back to, it was not quite what I was looking for and yet it was the word that appeared over and over (I have learned that sometimes I do not get to pick my word, it picks me). As I gave it more thought I realized that for me restoration means to bring something back to its original beauty while celebrating  the flaws and the scars. . . and I have many flaws and scars.

I realized  that my past gives me character, empathy and helps define who I am, I do not want a new me, I want a restored me. . . I want to restore my ability to have fun, I want to restore my health, I want to restore my faith, I want to restore my confidence. . . I want to polish and restore myself, I want to come out feeling beautiful & restored.

As I move forward in 2018 I am looking to find some of myself that has been lost during the many tough years. . . I will work on restoration.

2018....What to Do First?!?

2018 is here and it is time to make some decisions about how I will tackle the changes that are immentent with the arrival of my actual empty nest. Jordan is now in Regina for 6 months so other than weekends when the grandkids come I am living in a nest that is all mine....such an odd feeling to have a clean house stay clean!

So although I have chosen my word of the year and have a few ideas of how to keep busy, I have decided to start the blogging year with a project that is near and dear to me.

For many years I worked as a book buyer and LOVE to read. My first hardcover novel came from my grandparents for my sixth birthday....it still sits on my dresser as a reminder of the love they instilled in me. Most of my life escaping into the intricate plot of a book has brought me extreme pleasure; meeting richly developed characters has been like making new friends; I was able to travel the world without ever leaving the comfort of home.....and then my life seemed to fall apart I did not have the time, energy or desire to pick up a book. I tried on more than one occasion to pick up something but didn't seem to have the ability to concentrate long enough and what used to take a couple of days seemed to take a couple of months....and I missed the adventures.

So I decided that in 2018 I would embark on an intentional reading list and this past December started doing some searching for top books of the past year, I asked for recommendations and I scoured book sites to find some titles that intriqued me. I found more than a few. Originally I thought that 24 titles would be a good start....but once I started I could not stop....I now have 46 titles on my list that I want to read by the end of the year. I am excited at the prospect of picking up a book each evening (in my clean home) wrapped under my new plush blanket drinking my yummy loose leaf herbal tea...this is the year that I start to come back to myself and fill my time with things that bring me joy! Maybe I will even search for a new comfy chair to read in. Stay tuned to see what other changes will start to take place in 2018

PS/ The Bear and the Nightingale by Katherine Arden won the first book of the year and so far it is fantastic!!

Oh No....Now What??

It is the end of 2017 and  I am entering a new phase as an empty nester. I have to wonder...what happened to the last few years of my life? a few years ago it seemed as though life was moving along quite nicely, I was content and looking forward to the future...that is until something similar to Lemony Snicket seemed to start a series of unfortunate events that left me reeling and seemingly lost.

I am not sure it is even worth re-hashing some of the life altering events that brought me to this spot but they included a job change (that became two), a marriage and subsequent divorce (not mine), the loss of my father (utterly devastating),  the death of my brother (shocking), and me trying desperately to keep it together...I think I failed.

Don't get me wrong, there were many events for us to celebrate during this time.

•  After a number of losses Tiffani gave birth to Gunner James who fills me with as much delight as his brother Austin, they are lights of my life and can take full credit for keeping me smiling and my heart filled with gratitude. She has been hired on with Fraser Valley Health and starts a full time position in February...I am so grateful for her and how she is able to overcome the number of obstacles thrown her way. 
• We are preparing to formally add the lovely Corinne to our family in the upcoming year, not only is Jordan marrying the love of his life but is now in Regina fulfilling his dream of becoming an RCMP officer... he makes my heart swell with pride and my eyes a wee bit teary.
• Joce is also making changes in his life that take tremendous strength and are making him happier and  more content than I have seen him in a very long time... my mommy's heart is overjoyed and proud at his courage. 
• Mom has found happiness and companionship by moving to Calgary to be closer to family...we miss her but I am glad she is living life to the fullest!

All of these events bring me joy, they remind me that I am indeed more than blessed.

The question that remains is now what?

There are many things I have neglected over the past couple of years (my love of blogging for one), that it is hard to decide where to start my journey. It is odd to think that the house will be quiet and the mess will be mine...it is sad to think that I am now really alone (thank goodness for grandchildren and sleepovers!!)...

So for now I write about it, I will remember to pick up a book once a day, I will think of a few unusual things I have always wanted to do, I will decide on my word for 2018 and I will learn to take care of me (such a foreign concept). One of these days I will tell you all about the surgery that almost killed me yet was the catalyst for bringing me back...until then it seems that I have a few decisions to make on how to fill my new nest.

Wall of Sand

This past week I gave up my wall of busyness and succumbed to a wall of sand. A wall that would crumble at the slightest touch...I stopped completely, I burrowed into the sand, afraid to move for fear of it falling in around me. I gave myself a time frame and am both thrilled and horrified that it is now over. The problem is I am simply not sure what to do next.

I am person who values honesty more than anything, you may hurt my feelings for a moment or two but that is ok, just be honest and we can work through it....I hate being surprised more than just about anything and the blindside that began this newest journey eats at me. Had the people involved simply had the courage to tell the truth I think this would be a much different story. But alas, it is too late to change and now I must move on.

When I arrived home last week I opened my bible and here is what I saw on the first page:

Turn to me and have mercy,

for I am alone and in deep distress. Psalm 25:16 (NLT)

And then on the other side of the page:

Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness

while I am here in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13 (NLT)

In my sand filled hideaway I read them and hoped, my head knew they were truth but my heart needed time to catch up. Now, a week later I am able to take a breath and move forward, dissect the words given to me and pray I am able to fully embrace them.

I don't often buy into the 'simply open your Bible' method of study but as I look into these verses I have to admit that there is comfort in these seemingly random verses. Now that I have had time to rest it is with a renewed spirit that I look at Psalm 25 which starts with 'To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.' , an expression of trust and faith. As I read the full Psalm I see themes of not only trust but guidance, forgiveness, praise, friendship and the prayer of protection.... Ok, I certainly needed that :)

And then Psalm 27, it is more than a simple expression of confidence, it is also the cultivation of confidence....the confidence I did not feel  am having a hard time feeling. It ends with: "Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!". That is how I choose to start this new week, waiting for God to step in and heal my heart...still somewhat afraid of what is next but moving forward with Him rather than on my own....confident that this stretch of sand dessert is behind me and there is an oasis of beauty before me...confident that I will indeed see the Lord's goodness.

Addicted to Busy

What does one do when they find themselves with a lot of time on their hands? Although it is something I have often thought I may enjoy I also know myself well enough to know that the novelty would wear off very quickly....and it has...

This past week has caught me off guard, turned my world upside down and given me much time to reflect. Typically I love to journal, I love some solitude...but typically it is scheduled. This week there is no schedule and I find myself at odds. I have not had this much time to myself since before the birth of my first child...32 years ago...wow! We often wonder where the time has gone, I know, it has been spent ensuring that my family is taken care of. Now they are grown, I am older and have this imposed time to reflect and it is much more difficult than I would have thought.

As I try to break it down and allow myself to look upon what is happening I have hit a wall...it is a wall that I have carefully constructed, it is the wall that allows me to simply take a deep breath and move forward when bad shit happens...it is the wall of busyness that has absorbed the brunt of my failures and disappointments and pain....now that wall is gone and I am not sure how to function without it. I am not sure what to do with 'time', I have never fully learned to 'rest'...I no longer have the shelter of busyness to protect my heart and emotions. My first instinct is to quickly rebuild the wall, like a master mason I can find the right bricks and stones, build them up and fill the chinks with small tasks that I enjoy...I can simply rebuild the wall. I know it can be done, I have done it before.

That is my instinct, I am fighting it right now...trying to stay still and see beyond the wall, trying to see what God would have me see, trying to take that shelter in him...but I think he too must be busy. A good friend advised me not to 'miss the opportunity', it is so unnatural to me that it feels more like a punishment...like being sent to the naughty corner. My head knows this is not truth so I am working at convincing my heart to stay out in the open for a while, to delay building the wall. Today that feels soul crushing rather than life giving, I guess old habits die hard.

Shattered...

One year...a lot can happen in a year...

When I last wrote I was in a place that was filled with hope, excitement and promise. I was so sure it was my year but alas in retrospect that was wishful thinking. I have a number of writings during that time but I think I shall keep those private and start again....perhaps it will lead to some healing.

Last year I was managing  2 Village stores and after a crazy fall season that included opening the second store and Christmas I was looking forward to our first rug sale (which can be a wee bit of work). It was shortly after I wrote the last post that I found out my dad was going to have the heart surgery he had been needing and although it was not without risk I was hopeful, it was scheduled right in the middle of the sale but I still felt confident we would get through it all. Friday morning, April 17th I left home very early to head into Vancouver with my parents....while I waited for my father to come out of surgery my beloved grandson was at a doctors appointment of his own, seeing a neurologist. Dad came out of surgery that day and we were told it had gone well, unfortunately my grandson had a diagnosis of  a seizure disorder that would change his everyday living. We chose to take a deep breath and move forward. Medication would help the little man cope with his episodes and there was a possibility that he would out grow them. That evening it was discovered that dad would go back into surgery for some bleeding issues but the doctors did not seem overly concerned and  we still felt it was going to be ok....we were wrong.

I do not have the heart or space to fill you in with the many challenges, extra surgeries and issues that ensued but it was exactly 6 weeks (almost to the hour) that our family gathered to say good bye to our father, husband, brother, grandpa and friend...we were shattered and exhausted.

 Only 2 short days later, on June 1st,  the stress of losing her beloved rock was too much and my mom was in the hospital with a mild heart attack...thank God she came through without any permanent damage and after a week in the hospital was able to come home. We started to sort through my dad's affairs while trying to establish her in her new reality. For the second time in as many months we moved her into her new apartment and continued to deal with the many changes. During the few days prior to my dad's passing we had also found out that my daughter had lost another little angel (this was not the first and she was shattered) ...our hearts were so heavy we weren't sure how we would ever deal with it...but again we took a deep breath and chose to be strong and courageous as we worked toward healing.

Life seemed to be gaining a bit of normalcy and again a glimmer of hope crept into my world. We are a family of survivors, we were coping, we were making headway....and then the phone rang....

July 27, only two months after my dad's death I received a midnight call that my only brother had been found at my parent's property, it was determined that he had died in the early hours of Saturday morning and once again our world came crashing in...it was getting harder and harder to breath.  My sister made her 7th trip from Calgary in 4 months and together we worried about my mom, niece and nephew...we dealt with a number of difficult issues that I will not share today....we were once again shattered.

The next two months were a whirlwind of chaos, death certificates, doctors, lawyers, cleaning....my sister and I did the divide and conquer routine as we supported mom in her many changes and took care of each estate. We planned a celebration of life for the two men in our lives and once again we chose to take a deep breath and move forward. We were (and are) very grateful that medication had my little man's seizures under control, my daughter was again pregnant and this little miracle was growing like he should (due right around my dad's birthday) and I was once again hopeful....certainly there were no more surprises in our world, certainly we would finally be able to fully grieve our losses and celebrate our victories...certainly the chaos of the year was over.

 Unfortunately it was not...my world would once again be rocked...it would be nothing as traumatic as what had already happened but still raw and bruised from the previous months it seem to rock my world more than it should have...sigh....that however is another story. Perhaps I will be ready to write about it tomorrow but for today this post is too long and taking a deep breath is no longer as easy as it was just 10 short months ago.

Today's Ramblings

I made the decision to start blogging again for a variety of reasons and now that I have, I find myself suffering from 'writer's block' (funny how that happens). Many entries have been started and deleted this week, so this morning I grabbed my coffee, my book and my computer determined to come up with a post. There were however only few pages of my book left so I picked it up first and as I read the last page I was intrigued when I came across this passage (it is not the first time I have come across this over the past few weeks):

Father, out of Your honorable and glorious riches, strengthen Your people. Fill their souls with the power of Your Spirit so that through faith the Anointed One will reside in their hearts. May love be the rich soil where their lives take root. May it be the bedrock where their lives are founded so that together with all of Your people they will have the power to understand that the love of the Anointed is infinitely long, wide, high, and deep, surpassing everything anyone previously experienced. God, may Your fullness flood through their entire beings.                    Ephesians 3:16-19 (Voice)

Paul's prayer to the people of Ephesus, a doxology, a liturgical expression of praise and a cry for spiritual strength....a passage that keeps appearing therefore I am compelled to look at it further. Paul's point is deeper than 'God is able to do more than we expect', he is also saying that God's power is already at work in us...it does not fit within the limitations of our expectations.

In order to gain some additional context I go back to the beginning of the Ephesians...and as I reflect on this I cannot help but wonder why our acceptance of this can be so difficult.... Are we good enough to accept this gift? If God gave us access to himself through Jesus then is he not accepting us? Are we willing to accept the spiritual blessings? Do we understand He adopted us into His family? Can we accept His gift of grace? Will we accept the 'riches of His glorious inheritance'? Do we possess the spiritual strength to embrace God's gifts? I certainly hope so....

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ. Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son. He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding. Ephesians 1:3-8 (NLT)

Yes, unfortunately this is the way my brain works. I start in one place and end up in quite another....sigh... that is how it goes when you take a moment to join some of my ramblings....

Books, Books, Books!

Here is yet another confession...I am a bibliophile. No excuses, I simply LOVE books....all books...new and old. I read them, I collect them, I decorate with them. I am actually not sure when I came down with this condition, I do however remember the first book that solidified my love for words and the ability to escape into another world....Just Like Jennings by Anthony Buckeridge; my first exploration into a child's world of mystery and intrigue, my first hard cover novel that my grandparents bought for a birthday (or Christmas), the first book that found its way onto my shelf to be read and reread, the book that started it all still sits on my shelf with the original dust cover holding a place of honor with my many 'classics'. Funny how just writing about it makes me smile and want to read it again.

As I young child I had a difficult time reading and writing, the name now is dyslexia but all those years ago it was thought I simply did not try hard enough. I was blessed when my second grade teacher who saw the problem when I learned to write...completely backwards, right to left as though in a mirror. Miss Holtsbaum, how much I owe you for spending hours after school helping me learn to to make sense of the letters until they one day started to sing me tales of places filled with a magic that I still hold dear. I wonder if she realized the time she took would shape my life in such a grand way...how I would love to hug her today and say thank you...pretty sure if the opportunity presented itself I would cry. She was not young then so I am not sure if she is still alive but I am sure that her love of teaching helped many more children than just myself....oops, I digress...

Over the years I have fallen in love with many books. I remember sitting in my window taking wonderful adventures without ever leaving my room. I remember the day I took my allowance to the second hand store and spent a whopping $11 dollars on a two volume set, 'The Life of Adolf Hitler' by John Toland because they would look so good on my shelf (poor mom had a fit and neither of us knew that he was a Pulitzer Prize winning historian or that myself and my boys would one day use these books when completing school socials projects). I remember hours spent in the old Abbotsford library learning the dewey decimal system (yes, I was a geek). I remember laying by the pool many a summer with a good fiction book in hand. I remember giggling at  Gulliver's Travels long before I was knew it was actually a satire on human nature. I remember falling in love with Sacajawea prior to learning of her historical importance. I remember the emotions and empathy I felt the first time I read 'Grapes of Wrath' by Steinbeck.  With each memory comes another...often events in my life being defined by what I was reading at the time....Frank Baum (Dorothy's shoes were silver in the book by the way), Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte, Mark Twain, John Jakes, Jean Auel, Dr Seuss, Steven Cosgrove, Stephen Lawhead, Ted Dekker....the list is far too exhaustive for me to name the many books or authors that have impacted me over the years.

So today, a lifetime later I still love to sit with a book and let the magic take hold. I love to read.  I love to curl up with coffee and a book. I love the smell and the feel of a new book or an old book. I love modern stories and classic tales. It was my intention to write about a favorite book today but I have realized I simply do not have a favorite...how could I possibly choose??

Confession time...

Back in the day when I was a book buyer (seems like yesterday and forever all at once), I was blessed to have many tools at my fingertips for study. It was as much a part of me as my hands or feet and I loved it. So many new books and ideas, sure some were a bit outrageous but I had the ability to discern what would be of interest and what I could discard. Even in my busiest day there was some little nugget to tuck away and peruse another time. My desk always had a stack of interesting material for me to delve into. Now I deal in fair trade and I love it (more about that another day)...the problem is someday's I feel as though I have lost a tiny part of myself. The curiosity that was always piqued has somehow been shelved.

Here is my confession....I simply do not spend enough time in God's word anymore. There is no excuse, actually there are lots of excuses but no good reason. I have an abundance of tools at my disposal; every translation of the bible you could want, dictionaries, commentaries...my library is quite extensive. I certainly have time....and apparently a myriad of excuses. 

So it becomes a matter of discipline, it is a fundamental need in my ability to nurture...it is time to stop making excuses, clean off my desk and get back to basics. For years I told people not to get overwhelmed when studying, spend a moment in prayer, pick up your bible and allow God to teach you what he wants you to hear. So I took my own advice. I usually gravitate to the ESV however with the idea of nurture in mind, I picked up  The Voice. I have learned to love this translation, I would pick it over a paraphrase any day as it combines lyrical beauty with theological reliability...the narrative included draws me into God's place of beauty...the fusion between scholar and poet is masterful. 

Here is my proclamation...I was blessed beyond measure as I read through Ephesians this weekend. Ephesus was one of the great cities during Paul's time. It was a wealthy commercial seaport that was home to the Temple of Diana (the goddess Artemis) and immersed in the magical arts, a kind of religion that promised protection from demons and curses. From prison Paul wrote this generic letter to the church he had nurtured before his imprisonment, a reminder of sorts. These many years later it served to remind me.  It reminded me that we all have the ability to enjoy all of the spiritual blessings God has prearranged for us, it reminded me my heart must be open to receive them, it reminded me of the rich inheritance that awaits me, that God has adopted me as His own, to be careful of how I live (and remember where I once lived), to treat others well, to be prepared through the armor of God and to pray...it reminded me of the incredible love God has for me.

To Yoga or not to Yoga...

Now that the year is underway (and the flu bug has finally left) it is time for me to decide what I shall do for me....surprisingly this seems to be a much bigger dilemma than I anticipated.

I looked into cooking classes (I would really like to make my own sushi) but the classes all seem to be in Vancouver so that's not happening...I thought about a photography class (my kids tell me I take the worst pictures) but that requires a new camera which is not going to happen...a friend suggested painting (my artistic ability consists of happy faces and butterflies) but with my talent level that is simply a waste of money...

Yoga...yes I should start taking a yoga class....it is good for me, perhaps will help my old lady hip feel better about getting up in the morning...hmm, yoga....yoga it is...well maybe...

Yoga comes with many preconceptions...pretzel like formations, New Ageism, crazy chanting that opens the door of darkness, so many misconceptions. Is it really good for you? Some doctors say yes, some say no.  Most of my friends would be supportive while some would voice concern so before making my 'announcement' I thought I should do a bit of research. I picked up a copy of 'Holy Yoga' to help clarify some of the myths about yoga. I looked at reports from John Hopkins to learn of medical benefits.

Here are the basics of what I learned:
-Yoga predates Hinduism by at least 1000 years (therefore yoga is not a religion, simply adopted by some eastern religions)
-Yoga is a physical exercise (with the benefit of strengthening and improving strength, balance and flexibility)
-Yoga is about concentration, concentration promotes mental health (if I have to do those poses you can be guaranteed I will be concentrating)
-Yoga has some really bad music (I will be replacing the 'chanting' with a challenge to memorize a portion of the book of Ephesians and using the Lord's prayer instead)

I guess in the end I simply need to do something!! So tomorrow morning at 7:15 I will be dressed in stretchy pants attempting to sit cross-legged...I hope to leave feeling like I have accomplished something that will be beneficial to my health, both physical and mental.

Musical Intervention...

Nurture...., my word for the new year. A strange choice for sure, I feel as though I have nurtured a variety of people for many years...I have raised 3 kids as a single parent, I have taught Sunday School and Single Mom classes, I have stood by friends in crisis....nurture, my unusual word of the year. Somehow I had the illusion that it would not be too difficult...once again I was wrong. It is only 1 week in and already I have found a few areas of my life that are going to be more of a challenge than I anticipated.

So, the question is where do I begin...what is one thing that I can start with? I looked at a few exercise classes that would be good for my physical being, I talked with the kids about having Sunday dinners with the family a couple of times a month to connect, I previously purchased a couple of studies that I could dig out. As I was feeling at a loss as to where to start I picked up my computer...I could check emails before I narrowed it down more...imagine my surprise when my media player had turned on ( I had not listened to music on it for months) and started blasting some Third Day....after I got over the initial shock and turned the volume down I was astonished by both the humor and the blessing.

God knew where I needed to start....as i listened I heard "o come all ye faithful" then "fall on your knees, o hear the angels voices", followed by "Cry out to Jesus"....I do not believe the order of these songs was a coincidence. 'Cry out to Jesus' is not one of my favorite songs yet it was somehow being played as my Third Day file shuffled "randomly"...

There is hope for the helpless

Rest for the weary

Love for the broken heart

There is grace and forgiveness

Mercy and healing

He'll meet you wherever you are

Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

So as I prepare to start my year of nurturing, I realize that I have become all of the above....helpless, weary, sometimes brokenhearted so I will indeed cry out to Jesus, He will lead me and nurture me. The aha moment has come and  I grab the study I purchased months ago and smile...I will start my year of nurturing with a deeper look at the Sermon on the Mount and he will indeed meet me where I am, he will show me grace and mercy and healing.

Now when He saw the crowds, He went up on a mountain (as Moses had done before Him) and He sat down (as Jewish teachers of His day usually did). His disciples gathered around Him.

Matthew 5:1 (Voice)

Today I will sit at the feet of Jesus...I will listen raptly to what he has to teach me...I will be blessed.